Friday, 7 March 2014

You're a Pain in Every Day of Every Month of Every Year

I hate Zema Ion.

Image © Mike Kalasnik via Flickr.

Not exactly a shock after I've been saying it for about two weeks, but still true. And today, I'm going to elaborate.

Two weeks ago today, I explained that I don't hate Zema because he's a heel, because of his acting, because of his wrestling, or because of the man behind the character.

Nope. I hate the character himself. Why? Because there is no curse in Elvish, Entish or the tongues of Men for how tooth-grindingly irritating he is.

"But wait!" you cry. "Zema Ion is supposed to be a pain in the neck! That's the point!"

And you're right. Zema Ion makes hangs around with the BroMans and makes asinine foghorn noises specifically to get our hackles up. It is on purpose.

The problem with that is that it works too well and I want to dropkick him out of a window.

It's possible to write annoying characters who are also tolerable. Vickie Guerrero, for example, is both exasperating and fun to watch.

Image © Mshake3 via Wikimedia Commons.

Or if you'd rather I focus on TNA performers, there's Rockstar Spud, whose sycophantic attitude towards Dixie Carter and attempts to act tough before being tossed around like a rag-doll can both be irksome.

The difference between Rockstar Spud and Zema Ion? Spud is still funny. The expressions he pulls, his bow-ties, the way he adores Dixie like a lovesick puppy – they all come together to create something amusing.

Zema Ion has no such saving grace. He's just insufferable.

I swear, every time I hear that stupid foghorn noise, it puts my teeth on edge. And it doesn't help that Taz feels compelled to do it whenever Zema Ion does it as well.

It's getting to the point where I'd rather shove sharp objects down my ear canals than listen to it again. It makes me want to break things and hurt people.

Are there any redeeming graces to his character? Well, it means that I feel vicious pleasure whenever he gets beaten up.

The problem is that there is a fine line between "exasperating enough that you want to see them get beaten up" and "insupportable to the point that I just threw my TV remote through the screen".

You need to be careful. It's a difficult tightrope to tread and more often than not, you're going to fall on the side of "I can't stand you".

Image © Wiros via Flickr.

So what would I do to fix it? To be honest, I really don't know.

Zema Ion's personality is bound up with the BroMans – whom I also find unbearable, incidentally – and I rather wish the entire Jersey Shore muscle-bound idiots accompanied by grating DJ gimmick would just curl up in a corner and die a quiet death.

What would I replace it with? Something else. Anything else. They could be Batman, Nightwing and Robin impersonators for all I care.

All I ask is that Zema Ion's siren noise is silenced because I cannot freaking stand it.

Or him, for that matter.

See you Monday.

– Stark

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