To quote Wade Barrett, I've got some bad news!
This week's Impact sucked.
Let's get the good out of the way.
The highlight of the evening was the Wolves versus the BroMans.
Have we seen it before? Yes. Were ladders necessary? No. Was it amazing? You bet.
Also good was Gunner and Anderson chatting in the locker room. It was nice to see the guys shooting the breeze like actual coworkers.
Now for the bad.
I've got mixed feelings on EC3 versus Kurt Angle.
EC3 winning? Great. But Angle should not have been in the ring if he wasn't fully healed.
Still. Get better soon, Kurt.
The main event was a damp squib too, and so underwhelming I didn't realise it was the main event.
Willow is a magnet for terrible DQ finishes, it seems.
And Bram's contributions so far are to get a contract and wreck Magnus's match. Thanks, Bram. Real helpful.
Speaking of new additions, the Menagerie debuted this week and I didn't care. Why? Because Frankie Kazarian had to job to them in (probably) his last TNA TV appearance.
Yeah. I'm gonna miss him too.
Team Canada alumni EY and Bobby Roode cut great promos at the start, but they were better suited to last week's show.
And promising us a match between the two then pulling it away was just spiteful.
Plus MVP's behaviour towards Roode made Bobby far more sympathetic than a heel should be. Either he's turning face or this was awkwardly handled.
Which bring us to #MVPMakesBadDecisions. This week, his bad decision was turning heel and giving himself a Slammiversary title shot.
I'll talk more about this on Friday, but suffice to say, I don't like it.
Another thing I didn't like was Bully Ray's behaviour.
Stalking a woman to her offices so you can attack her is scary. Scavenging her home address so you can hunt her down and attack her is downright terrifying.
If this were Samuel Shaw and Christy Hemme, we'd be howling for blood.
The saving grace was Rockstar Spud, but like Roode, he came across as far too sympathetic.
Yes. Despite the face having a wild frat boy beer party, the heel was still more likeable.
That takes some doing.
Finally, we have the worst part of the show: the Evening Gown Knockouts match.
The Beautiful People, Madison Rayne and Brittany were great. So why did I hate it?
Because it was the ugliest, most misogynistic piece of pseudo spank material I've seen all year.
We're still doing Bra and Panty matches in 2014. The Attitude Era has been dead for over a decade, and we're still doing this nonsense.
As for the ending...
Brian Stiffler should not be so hypnotised by Velvet Sky's breasts that he can't do his job.
Men do not work that way. Life does not work that way. You lose. Good day, sir.
I have one word for it: atrocious.
Fingers crossed that next week's show is a big improvement on this dreck.